The Bear is 4!

How did my boy get to be 4?  It snuck up on me for sure.   He had a fun birthday party.  I'll download some pictures on here someday when I get my act together and download a boatload of other things with it.  For now, some thoughts on my Bear.

First of all, Bear...yes. We call him Bear.  It started from Jer Bear and just got shortened to Bear.  I've been thinking of the name for the past little while and it occurred to me.  Literally, bear.  He bears the name Bear. And now I'm going to take you to a place called Alicen's brain.  Sit down, stay awhile.  What? you're leaving?  You'res scared?  Come back.  It'll be quick...then I'll let you go.  Okay, so I was thinking of the strength of an animal bear and then I realized that yes, my boy is strong (like a bear), but I also hope that he can bear the weight of many things.  The whirlwind of influences, the whispering of satan's cunning voice,  the pressures to forget his noble calling in this life.  His heart is so loving.  I wish people could see and hear the sweet things that come from his heart when he's not running around swinging made-up swords at things.  How I love this little boy.  He just learned how to ride a two-wheeler sans training wheels yesterday.  He's a big boy and growing at rapid speeds.  

I will do my best not to grieve your babyhood, sweet boy.  Keep growing.  Keep bearing.  I love you.

Mommy.

laughter, giggling, and delirium

1.  Laughter.  I love a good belly laugh.  I have a slight case of asthma so if I laugh really hard I start coughing really hard.  If what you did makes me start coughing, know that you were funny.  I love that we know that this life is meant to have joy.  We are meant to laugh and be joyful!  And if you can't find humor in something everyday, LOOK HARDER!  I think that's why I loved Russia so much because you just never knew what random funny thing you would see.  And it's good for the abs, yo.

2.  Giggling.  Somewhat similar to laughing, but more the sound children make when they're being silly.  It's infectious and joyous.  I imagine in heaven there will be a lot of giggling going on.

3.  Delirium.  The state I am currently in...which is causing a lot of the aforementioned.  Goodnight, yo!

my pillow, my bed, my comforter

I fell asleep before I could writer yesterday's thanks.  Therefore, yesterday I can honestly say I was thankful for:

1.  A pillow.  A soft place to lay your head after a long day.  A place to let dreams play their parts out in your cranium.  How I love my pillow.
2.  My bed.  I love to hear about everyone's fancy beds.  I love our bed that is probably 20+ years old.  I guess I've slept on the floor enough as a parent to appreciate the humble comfort that our bed affords.  Bless its heart, its darn right fabulous.
3.  My comforter.  How many people lie under a coat shivering in the cold in the world?  I get a soft down comforter that wraps me in just that:  comfort.

vitality of children, sweetness of fruit, love of a mother (and grandma)

1.  Vitality of children. On the way to work today I found myself behind a yellow school bus full of children.  The ones in the back were maniacally waving to me like kids do.  I looked at their energy and then looked down at my 33-year-old body that at the moment felt a little heavy and tired.  These kids were all smiles and movement.  Even though at times I wish to give my son a good dose of Benadryl or something.to.calm.him.down, I am thankful for his energy.  It springs hope for the whole human race that maybe, maybe that energy will be used for good.

2.  Sweetness of fruit.  I just ate an orange that was so juicy and sweet.  No chemicals made it that way, just the seed that grew the tree, sun, rain, God.  I am so thankful for its sweetness.

3.  Love of a mother (and grandma).  My mom is at my daughter's soccer game tonight.  I had to miss it due to a work conflict.  To know she is there taping it for me, rooting her on (loudly as my mom tends to do), and just filling in for me, warms my heart.  My mother lost her mom when she was 11.  I can't articulate well enough how grateful I am for the years that I have had with my mother on this earth.  Each one has and continues to be a gift.  One that I hope to do a better job at not taking for granted. 

color, sight, memories

1.  Color.  I'm looking out my work window right now.  This morning started grey and dark.  Now I see blue.  Like a paintbrush was just dragged across the whole sky.  We are so blessed with color.  Look around.  Just looking around my desk...yellow...pink...red, and the most colorful thing of all:  A painting of vased flowers that reads "I love you Mom".  I have to say my children have given me more color than any other endeavor in all of my life.  Color me grateful.

2.  Sight.  Please see above.  I talk to people often who have lost their sight or are losing their sight.  I honor the gift of my sight today and realize that it could potentially be taken at any time.  Today I will be grateful for it as I open and shut my eyes, 99.99% of the time unaware of this miracle.

3.  Memories.  Not always pleasant, but nonetheless, these made me who I am.  The bad ones make me stronger.  The good ones make life sweet.   I treasure them all and honor them all for shaping who I am.

trees, roofs, spoons

We're on to day 5 here! I'm already feeling the shift.  And here are today's picks:

1.  Trees.  In the house I lived in from 13 on there was the largest, most wonderful oak-type tree in my front yard.  How many times did I gaze into the blowing limbs in the wind, pondering life.  I think of pondering out that window without the view of those moving limbs.  What a different experience that would have been.  I am thankful for that tree and for all the trees I have gazed upon in ponderous moments since then.

2.  Roofs.  The wind is howling outside my home tonight.  The rain has been pouring all day long.  I am sheltered.  My family is sheltered.  It leaketh not.  I am grateful for this glorious roof that covers me and mine.

3.  Spoons.  At my work there is a drawer full of plastic spoons for the taking.  Just about everyday I take one of those spoons without even acknowledging that someone fills that drawer up regularly.  I don't know if this is a gratitude to the janitor at my work or for the actual utensil.   Nonetheless,  I am grateful.  My chicken noodle soup would not have worked out half as successfully without this today.

pleasing smells, pleasing sounds, pleasing tastes

photo credit

Making homemade chicken noodle soup in my kitchen, with good music playing, and all the time of a Sunday  afternoon led me to today's thanksgivings:

1.  Pleasing smells.  They say smells and songs can take you back to a memory faster than any other senses.  I was cleaning out my spice containers today and refilling them with newly bought spices.  (Since my spice containers had some spices that had been in there from when we got married!)  Opening up each jar with all their different smells, I thought what a gift it is to be able to smell.

2.  Pleasing sounds .  I can't even imagine a life without the catharsis that is music.  Oh beautiful song.  Oh beautiful life.

3.  Pleasing tastes.  Our God could have left this out and we'd never know, but He loved us enough to give us strawberries and chocolate and pineapple and mango and avacados and. and. and.  Oh I love food.  I am so blessed.

writings of my children, speakings of truth, flying of the birds

1.  Writings of my children:  Sometimes I find things that come from the pen of my children and it takes my breath away.  It's through their  goodness that I know there is a God.

2.  Speakings of truth:  There is a peace that comes every six months into my home.  I am so grateful for these disciples of Christ who have given so much of their lives to giving and receiving revelation for the benefit of the entire human race.  I am grateful for the direction and peace this brings twice a year.

3.   Flying of the birds:  There are few things more centering than watching birds in their formations.  Once again, one of the many miracles that is like a hug from my Creator, letting me know He exists.

water, sun, and flowers

1.  Water.  As I was taking a shower in my clean water this morning I was thankful.  Really thankful for the double-hydrogen-to-each-oxgen-molecules that were pouring down.  It cleans me.  It nourishes me.  It is given to me.  There are people who don't have it cleaned first.  I've lived in a place where I had to heat it manually and it wasn't always available.  I am so grateful!

2.  Sun.  This winter has been rough.  I feel like I'm coming out of a dark cave that sometimes has felt suffocating.  These teases of Spring have been glorious.  Keep them coming, oh sunshine.  We love you! Stick around!!

3.  Flowers.  My mom brought the most beautiful Easter lily over last Saturday.  It's coming to life on my kitchen table...one at a time opening up and saying hello.  As is my heart.  I can feel it.  It's opening and letting in happiness.  Letting in joy.

Happy Friday!!

Happiness

"90% of your long-term happiness is predicted not by the external world, but by the way your brain processes the world."  90%!!

I just watched this TED talk by Shawn Achor for the second time and it has just opened up my psyche.  I am going to take the happiness challenge and write three things I am grateful for for 21 days straight.  So here we go.

1.  My husband.  He is so patient with me.  I couldn't have asked for a more patient man.  He has so many good qualities.  But mostly he is patient.  I love him. 

2.  My children.  My heart swells when I think of how grateful I am for their precious souls entrusted to my care for a time.  What a gift.

3.  The person I talked to on the phone today at my job that told me I helped him so much.  There are good people in the world that throw out pebbles of positivity into the lake of a world we live in.  I'm thankful for those people!

Getting honest.

I never post on my blog anymore.  And I know I am not alone.  Many people whose blogs I used to read don't post anymore.  It's gotten me to thinking about the cycles of blogs.  It's a lot like exercise.  You know, you get on exercise kicks.  I've thought a lot about exercise lately too.  (Thought being the key word).  Thinking about exercise isn't healthy.  You know why?  Because I feel like I've done something good for myself by thinking about it, but I haven't and so I eat like I've exercised, which leads to..."wow, five pounds huh?"   And I've been off the weight/diet/obsessing train for a long time.  Probably since I got married.  I wonder how it's crept back in lately.  

In all honesty, I think it's crept back in because I've stepped out on myself.  Working a 9-5 job when my heart longs to be home prepping dinner, doing laundry, dusting while I dance through my home.  It's the only thing that has ever made me feel whole as a person.  I have no desire to pretend to be a feminist.  And more power to those that are and that feel fulfilled working outside the home.   You can't tell me that a family isn't benefited from a homemaker in it making it comfortable and loving.   It needs that neutron to charge it...give it power...strength.  I'm not going to lie, my charge has been weak.  What I have to give, measly.

I'm getting up the courage to come into the light with myself again.  I had an epiphany the other day while eating lunch with my mom and step-grandma (the only maternal grandma I've known as my mom's mom died when she was 11).   Randomly, the city of Taylorsville came up with its crime and riff-raff.  I mentioned that I had lived there right before getting married to Darrin.  My mom had blanked that out.  I had moved out in an effort to "do things on my own", and for other personal reasons of needing peace and solitude.  But when I mentioned that, my grandma said "you always were one who had to do things on her own".   WOW.  Tears just started streaming.  It was like a mirror had just been put in front of my face and I knew, I knew it was true.  I have control issues.

photo credit

My lack of finishing college has been on my mind lately.  I did some great things. Russia twice, lived in Hawaii, worked a lot of jobs that I loved, mission, marriage.  But I don't believe I was true to myself.  I was running from myself.  I see that now.  I'll go serve for the Lord.  I'll work to get money so that I don't have to rely on anyone.  I'll see the world and teach a language so I can understand why people are they way they are and help them.   I experienced a lot, but feared succeeding at something great for myself.  It almost felt selfish to put that much into just "little old me."  And I'm not saying that any of the things I did was wrong or that I regret any of them.  In fact, I have no idea what I'm trying to say, honestly.  Just that I am going to work on being more authentic with my myself and rely on others a little more and be okay with that.  I will find a way to come back home.  To be here when my kids get home from school to talk about their day, hug them, listen to their stories, and comfort them.

Intention released.  Universe:  do your thing.