Birth day

Well, now that it's been almost 2 years since I last posted something on here, I thought what better day than today to start up again?  36 years ago my eyes opened up and I saw light brighter than just that in the womb.  I breathed air.  I cried.  I touched.  I suckled.  I was nurtured.  My brain started its never ending journey of making neural connections of memories and smells and tastes.  How blessed I feel.

This morning after eating my breakfast in bed (something I whipped up from Tessa's princess cookbook last night...baked french toast), I was showered in love of candy and sweet/salty Costco popcorn, pictures, cutouts, flowers from my Tess, and even a thoughtful plaque from one of my favorite artist's booth at the Quilted Bear.  (Darrin has come so far in knowing what speaks to my heart).  I wonder if anyone has felt such depth of love for their family and for their life.

As my birthday falls on the Sabbath this year I just wanted to take a moment to really acknowledge the love I have for my Father in Heaven.  I am thankful for each and every one of my trials throughout these 36 years.  I truly am, for without them I would not know or appreciate the joy.

To be honest, right this moment I'm not able to think like I would like to.  I would like to be able to sit and write and have thoughts come freely.   My beautiful kids (especially a certain boy who could possibly have the noise and energy level of 5 children) are loud and I have misophonia, which is a real condition which makes sound debilitating to my brain sometimes.  But like my plaque states, EMBRACE THE CHAOS.  I will do my best.  Sometimes I feel defeated a little bit.  The anxiety peaks with so much noise.  Please, Lord, help me to be calm in the storm.   I pray for this and I, again, acknowledge all the blessings that have come on this journey.  I am going to do better about writing.  I will seek to do this when my kids are in bed, even though at that point in the day my brain is usually pretty fried with exhaustion.  Life is busy.  But I will keep truckin'.

The Bear is 4!

How did my boy get to be 4?  It snuck up on me for sure.   He had a fun birthday party.  I'll download some pictures on here someday when I get my act together and download a boatload of other things with it.  For now, some thoughts on my Bear.

First of all, Bear...yes. We call him Bear.  It started from Jer Bear and just got shortened to Bear.  I've been thinking of the name for the past little while and it occurred to me.  Literally, bear.  He bears the name Bear. And now I'm going to take you to a place called Alicen's brain.  Sit down, stay awhile.  What? you're leaving?  You'res scared?  Come back.  It'll be quick...then I'll let you go.  Okay, so I was thinking of the strength of an animal bear and then I realized that yes, my boy is strong (like a bear), but I also hope that he can bear the weight of many things.  The whirlwind of influences, the whispering of satan's cunning voice,  the pressures to forget his noble calling in this life.  His heart is so loving.  I wish people could see and hear the sweet things that come from his heart when he's not running around swinging made-up swords at things.  How I love this little boy.  He just learned how to ride a two-wheeler sans training wheels yesterday.  He's a big boy and growing at rapid speeds.  

I will do my best not to grieve your babyhood, sweet boy.  Keep growing.  Keep bearing.  I love you.

Mommy.

laughter, giggling, and delirium

1.  Laughter.  I love a good belly laugh.  I have a slight case of asthma so if I laugh really hard I start coughing really hard.  If what you did makes me start coughing, know that you were funny.  I love that we know that this life is meant to have joy.  We are meant to laugh and be joyful!  And if you can't find humor in something everyday, LOOK HARDER!  I think that's why I loved Russia so much because you just never knew what random funny thing you would see.  And it's good for the abs, yo.

2.  Giggling.  Somewhat similar to laughing, but more the sound children make when they're being silly.  It's infectious and joyous.  I imagine in heaven there will be a lot of giggling going on.

3.  Delirium.  The state I am currently in...which is causing a lot of the aforementioned.  Goodnight, yo!

my pillow, my bed, my comforter

I fell asleep before I could writer yesterday's thanks.  Therefore, yesterday I can honestly say I was thankful for:

1.  A pillow.  A soft place to lay your head after a long day.  A place to let dreams play their parts out in your cranium.  How I love my pillow.
2.  My bed.  I love to hear about everyone's fancy beds.  I love our bed that is probably 20+ years old.  I guess I've slept on the floor enough as a parent to appreciate the humble comfort that our bed affords.  Bless its heart, its darn right fabulous.
3.  My comforter.  How many people lie under a coat shivering in the cold in the world?  I get a soft down comforter that wraps me in just that:  comfort.

vitality of children, sweetness of fruit, love of a mother (and grandma)

1.  Vitality of children. On the way to work today I found myself behind a yellow school bus full of children.  The ones in the back were maniacally waving to me like kids do.  I looked at their energy and then looked down at my 33-year-old body that at the moment felt a little heavy and tired.  These kids were all smiles and movement.  Even though at times I wish to give my son a good dose of Benadryl or something.to.calm.him.down, I am thankful for his energy.  It springs hope for the whole human race that maybe, maybe that energy will be used for good.

2.  Sweetness of fruit.  I just ate an orange that was so juicy and sweet.  No chemicals made it that way, just the seed that grew the tree, sun, rain, God.  I am so thankful for its sweetness.

3.  Love of a mother (and grandma).  My mom is at my daughter's soccer game tonight.  I had to miss it due to a work conflict.  To know she is there taping it for me, rooting her on (loudly as my mom tends to do), and just filling in for me, warms my heart.  My mother lost her mom when she was 11.  I can't articulate well enough how grateful I am for the years that I have had with my mother on this earth.  Each one has and continues to be a gift.  One that I hope to do a better job at not taking for granted. 

color, sight, memories

1.  Color.  I'm looking out my work window right now.  This morning started grey and dark.  Now I see blue.  Like a paintbrush was just dragged across the whole sky.  We are so blessed with color.  Look around.  Just looking around my desk...yellow...pink...red, and the most colorful thing of all:  A painting of vased flowers that reads "I love you Mom".  I have to say my children have given me more color than any other endeavor in all of my life.  Color me grateful.

2.  Sight.  Please see above.  I talk to people often who have lost their sight or are losing their sight.  I honor the gift of my sight today and realize that it could potentially be taken at any time.  Today I will be grateful for it as I open and shut my eyes, 99.99% of the time unaware of this miracle.

3.  Memories.  Not always pleasant, but nonetheless, these made me who I am.  The bad ones make me stronger.  The good ones make life sweet.   I treasure them all and honor them all for shaping who I am.

trees, roofs, spoons

We're on to day 5 here! I'm already feeling the shift.  And here are today's picks:

1.  Trees.  In the house I lived in from 13 on there was the largest, most wonderful oak-type tree in my front yard.  How many times did I gaze into the blowing limbs in the wind, pondering life.  I think of pondering out that window without the view of those moving limbs.  What a different experience that would have been.  I am thankful for that tree and for all the trees I have gazed upon in ponderous moments since then.

2.  Roofs.  The wind is howling outside my home tonight.  The rain has been pouring all day long.  I am sheltered.  My family is sheltered.  It leaketh not.  I am grateful for this glorious roof that covers me and mine.

3.  Spoons.  At my work there is a drawer full of plastic spoons for the taking.  Just about everyday I take one of those spoons without even acknowledging that someone fills that drawer up regularly.  I don't know if this is a gratitude to the janitor at my work or for the actual utensil.   Nonetheless,  I am grateful.  My chicken noodle soup would not have worked out half as successfully without this today.