Getting honest.

I never post on my blog anymore.  And I know I am not alone.  Many people whose blogs I used to read don't post anymore.  It's gotten me to thinking about the cycles of blogs.  It's a lot like exercise.  You know, you get on exercise kicks.  I've thought a lot about exercise lately too.  (Thought being the key word).  Thinking about exercise isn't healthy.  You know why?  Because I feel like I've done something good for myself by thinking about it, but I haven't and so I eat like I've exercised, which leads to..."wow, five pounds huh?"   And I've been off the weight/diet/obsessing train for a long time.  Probably since I got married.  I wonder how it's crept back in lately.  

In all honesty, I think it's crept back in because I've stepped out on myself.  Working a 9-5 job when my heart longs to be home prepping dinner, doing laundry, dusting while I dance through my home.  It's the only thing that has ever made me feel whole as a person.  I have no desire to pretend to be a feminist.  And more power to those that are and that feel fulfilled working outside the home.   You can't tell me that a family isn't benefited from a homemaker in it making it comfortable and loving.   It needs that neutron to charge it...give it power...strength.  I'm not going to lie, my charge has been weak.  What I have to give, measly.

I'm getting up the courage to come into the light with myself again.  I had an epiphany the other day while eating lunch with my mom and step-grandma (the only maternal grandma I've known as my mom's mom died when she was 11).   Randomly, the city of Taylorsville came up with its crime and riff-raff.  I mentioned that I had lived there right before getting married to Darrin.  My mom had blanked that out.  I had moved out in an effort to "do things on my own", and for other personal reasons of needing peace and solitude.  But when I mentioned that, my grandma said "you always were one who had to do things on her own".   WOW.  Tears just started streaming.  It was like a mirror had just been put in front of my face and I knew, I knew it was true.  I have control issues.

photo credit

My lack of finishing college has been on my mind lately.  I did some great things. Russia twice, lived in Hawaii, worked a lot of jobs that I loved, mission, marriage.  But I don't believe I was true to myself.  I was running from myself.  I see that now.  I'll go serve for the Lord.  I'll work to get money so that I don't have to rely on anyone.  I'll see the world and teach a language so I can understand why people are they way they are and help them.   I experienced a lot, but feared succeeding at something great for myself.  It almost felt selfish to put that much into just "little old me."  And I'm not saying that any of the things I did was wrong or that I regret any of them.  In fact, I have no idea what I'm trying to say, honestly.  Just that I am going to work on being more authentic with my myself and rely on others a little more and be okay with that.  I will find a way to come back home.  To be here when my kids get home from school to talk about their day, hug them, listen to their stories, and comfort them.

Intention released.  Universe:  do your thing.