melancholy at 12:50 a.m.

I was going through old video tapes today looking for a blank one to tape my sister's senior night for her basketball team. And my findings led to...who are these children? Where did they go? Is this what it will be like someday as we look back, I wonder? Flashes of what was? The way Malia used to pronounce her R's with a voice seemingly a few octaves higher than it is now. The way Tessa entered her birthing room with her lungs set to mute, while Jeremiah entered that same room with with some sort of sub-woofer attached to him?

I'm not gonna lie. I don't like it. I've tried all day today to burn in my brain the children who currently reside in their little bodies.

Jeremiah...the way he taps the fingers of one hand on the palm of the other when he asks for something...anticipation spilling out his digits.

Malia...the way she loves to tell me stories

that aren't necessarily true, "but if it did happen, wouldn't it be funny, mom?" Her humor is spot on. I love belly laughing with that girl.

Tessa...the way she prefaces so much of what she's about to say with "I just realized"...

How is that you realize so much, Tess? I just saw a video in which you just evacuated my womb. Didn't that evacuation just take place? Wherein you could barely lift your head and just laid there, eyes darting, taking it all in. Did the men in black come and put a spell on me, and here we are? Because I don't remember all this realizing taking place.

I find myself wanting to go back and embrace that 2-year-old Malia. She was my little Campbell's soup girl. I would never trade her for the partially toothless girl I have today. But I would like to just snuggle on her for a few minutes and bask in the way she said her Rs and the chubbiness that inhabited her face and hands.

I guess what's getting me through this emotion and has been bolstering me this whole week are these six little words:

"Grace Shall Be as Your Day."

I recently read an article on the enabling power of Christ. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Phillipians 4:13) Including forging into the future and leaving pieces of these perfectly precious "baby" children behind. I know that the people that these little beings are to become cannot be formed without realizing things. I will embrace it all. There is no fear in love. And if there's one thing I know, it's that I love them.

.

California Dreamin' on Such a Winter's Day...

In October we packed up the mini van and headed for the land of sun. I once heard it said that Disneyland makes everything better...or maybe that was a voice in my head, I'm not sure. But in any case, it indeed did not disappoint. The Halloween hoopla was in full swing. Orange was everywhere you looked. But mostly it was smiles on little ones' faces. It's incredibly euphoric to see those sweet little faces light up when they see Buzz or Woody, et cetera, and so forth.

There were so many good times with cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmas, grandpas, and even great-grandma Toni. Poor Grandma Toni rode home with us, earplugs and all. I don't even know if the earplugs helped. Jeremiah has a voice that can shake a mountain. Love him to death, but grateful he'll be one year older the next time we take him anywhere!!!

And in conclusion, it's a small world, ladies and gentlemen. It's a small world after all.

That We May Be One

Any time I have a chance to look at the church news, I open it immediately to the section where it announces new mission presidents. It's something I noticed many years ago. These husbands and wives have a similar look about them. It's not necessarily just how they look (although I find it humorous that many of them do look so much alike) It's in their demeanor. I can't describe it. Just look at them and see if you notice it too.

Sometimes I catch glimpses of this oneness in my marriage. Oftentimes I long to have a better grasp on it. But, for sure it's something that I'm striving for.

There's nothing like the kids saying something that they have no idea how funny it is and looking up to see Darrin looking at me to see if I caught the humor.

I can't imagine making this trek alone. I thank the Lord everyday that even though this is hard and sometimes I'm not at my best and daydream of days of shopping and solitude, this is where my truest joy lies.

And I guess that's what was in my heart today. I'm going to get back into this blogging thing. I kind of miss it.

Tiny dancer

This little girl smiled the whole way to her dance recital tonight. Her teacher had really instilled in her the importance of smiling when she performs. I seriously looked back like 9 times on the way there and she had the same smile on her face the whole time. She did beautifully. She's grown up so much from her last attempt at a recital where she wouldn't even go up on the stage. She has found her confidence and this mommy is so proud. You shined tonight, my Tess!!! I love you!

Kindergarten graduate

Malia is so excited to be in first grade next year and eat lunch at school! I am excited not to be dropping her off and turning around a few minutes later and picking her up (or so it seemed).

Bestest teacher ever, Mrs. Lambson. Thanks to her Malia won't ever be writing words like bestest.

Congrats, Malia Lu!! We love you!!!

Centrifugal force and the effects thereof

The other day I picked up and started reading one of my most favorite books of all time, Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh. It took my mind to where it needed to go.

The book is a compilation of thoughts the author had while living for two weeks on an island, away from everything and everyone she knew. She compares the characteristics of different shells to the state of our lives. And what I have fully gulped up thirstily from reading this again is my need for solitude. No, I'm not talking of leaving my family and going to a deserted island, but in taking an hour every day and centering myself. For some reason I have run from this for a few years now.

Busyness. Chatter. Work. No time. Running and running in every direction from thing to thing. Distracting myself with trying to find how other people find their center... coughblogs/facebooekcough. Never reaching for my center. Don't get me wrong. I pray. But I'm so distracted that I often don't even know what to pray for. All I can get out sometimes is a desperate "help!!"

My family is a wheel. I picture myself (and Darrin) as the axle. I say Darrin and I, but the old adage is as true as they come, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." If I am spinning out of control inside the wheel there is no stability in our lives. I alone need to still the axle.

My sweet family has been gone tonight as I had to work this weekend. I miss them terribly. But, I feel still inside. Bring on the whining. Bring on the needs, the NOISE, the craziness that is the wheel of my family. I am still. I know what I need to pray about tonight and that is all I need.

"Be still and know that I am God."

I am so grateful at this moment in time. Tomorrow I will pencil in an hour. No excuses. It's THAT important.

whoooooooooooosh

Do you ever feel like life is just whooshing by????

I want a pause button.

During our Sunday round of "America's Funniest Videos" tonight, Jer kept saying "where mote?" every time the commercials would come on. What kind of a life do we live where we can just fast forward everything. And it feels like life itself is on some kind of speed setting.

Please somebody teach me how to get it to slow down. Just maybe a day. Here's to hoping. Tomorrow is a holiday and I'm just going to try to stop and FEEL the moments with my family.

How I love them.