water, sun, and flowers

1.  Water.  As I was taking a shower in my clean water this morning I was thankful.  Really thankful for the double-hydrogen-to-each-oxgen-molecules that were pouring down.  It cleans me.  It nourishes me.  It is given to me.  There are people who don't have it cleaned first.  I've lived in a place where I had to heat it manually and it wasn't always available.  I am so grateful!

2.  Sun.  This winter has been rough.  I feel like I'm coming out of a dark cave that sometimes has felt suffocating.  These teases of Spring have been glorious.  Keep them coming, oh sunshine.  We love you! Stick around!!

3.  Flowers.  My mom brought the most beautiful Easter lily over last Saturday.  It's coming to life on my kitchen table...one at a time opening up and saying hello.  As is my heart.  I can feel it.  It's opening and letting in happiness.  Letting in joy.

Happy Friday!!

Happiness

"90% of your long-term happiness is predicted not by the external world, but by the way your brain processes the world."  90%!!

I just watched this TED talk by Shawn Achor for the second time and it has just opened up my psyche.  I am going to take the happiness challenge and write three things I am grateful for for 21 days straight.  So here we go.

1.  My husband.  He is so patient with me.  I couldn't have asked for a more patient man.  He has so many good qualities.  But mostly he is patient.  I love him. 

2.  My children.  My heart swells when I think of how grateful I am for their precious souls entrusted to my care for a time.  What a gift.

3.  The person I talked to on the phone today at my job that told me I helped him so much.  There are good people in the world that throw out pebbles of positivity into the lake of a world we live in.  I'm thankful for those people!

Getting honest.

I never post on my blog anymore.  And I know I am not alone.  Many people whose blogs I used to read don't post anymore.  It's gotten me to thinking about the cycles of blogs.  It's a lot like exercise.  You know, you get on exercise kicks.  I've thought a lot about exercise lately too.  (Thought being the key word).  Thinking about exercise isn't healthy.  You know why?  Because I feel like I've done something good for myself by thinking about it, but I haven't and so I eat like I've exercised, which leads to..."wow, five pounds huh?"   And I've been off the weight/diet/obsessing train for a long time.  Probably since I got married.  I wonder how it's crept back in lately.  

In all honesty, I think it's crept back in because I've stepped out on myself.  Working a 9-5 job when my heart longs to be home prepping dinner, doing laundry, dusting while I dance through my home.  It's the only thing that has ever made me feel whole as a person.  I have no desire to pretend to be a feminist.  And more power to those that are and that feel fulfilled working outside the home.   You can't tell me that a family isn't benefited from a homemaker in it making it comfortable and loving.   It needs that neutron to charge it...give it power...strength.  I'm not going to lie, my charge has been weak.  What I have to give, measly.

I'm getting up the courage to come into the light with myself again.  I had an epiphany the other day while eating lunch with my mom and step-grandma (the only maternal grandma I've known as my mom's mom died when she was 11).   Randomly, the city of Taylorsville came up with its crime and riff-raff.  I mentioned that I had lived there right before getting married to Darrin.  My mom had blanked that out.  I had moved out in an effort to "do things on my own", and for other personal reasons of needing peace and solitude.  But when I mentioned that, my grandma said "you always were one who had to do things on her own".   WOW.  Tears just started streaming.  It was like a mirror had just been put in front of my face and I knew, I knew it was true.  I have control issues.

photo credit

My lack of finishing college has been on my mind lately.  I did some great things. Russia twice, lived in Hawaii, worked a lot of jobs that I loved, mission, marriage.  But I don't believe I was true to myself.  I was running from myself.  I see that now.  I'll go serve for the Lord.  I'll work to get money so that I don't have to rely on anyone.  I'll see the world and teach a language so I can understand why people are they way they are and help them.   I experienced a lot, but feared succeeding at something great for myself.  It almost felt selfish to put that much into just "little old me."  And I'm not saying that any of the things I did was wrong or that I regret any of them.  In fact, I have no idea what I'm trying to say, honestly.  Just that I am going to work on being more authentic with my myself and rely on others a little more and be okay with that.  I will find a way to come back home.  To be here when my kids get home from school to talk about their day, hug them, listen to their stories, and comfort them.

Intention released.  Universe:  do your thing.

And how.

How I love these little souls.  How I want to do better for them.  How I yearn to give them the whole wide world.  How I shouldn't wish that. How that would be excessive.  How I love cooking with them.  How I hope they can remember the good times, like this.

Unburdened

http://www.vesuviusathome.com/2012/11/horn-dance.html
I want to just copy and paste this whole post by a blogger whose writing I could just eat with a spoon.  But, here is the message that I found there, which just so happened to be an answer to some personal pleadings:

(The deer)"....drop them in the forest like offerings, unconcerned, unburdened, and grow new ones again come spring." 

I can do this. I don't have to feel so burdened.  Spring will come again. 

photo credit

"Youth comes but once in a lifetime..." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Tonight found me lying on the floor in my boy's room looking up at three wiggly, full-of-life children hearing the goodnight story of their father.  Bear, grabbing Darrin's neck. Tess, snuggling up under a blanket.  Malia, trying to situate her long, (very long) limbs in a manner that she could still see the pictures and also manage to snuggle in to her daddy.  So much vitality in this little room.  So many cells regenerating and neural networks making new connections.

Just a few hours earlier I got a call from my dad informing me that my grandma had had a sudden hemorrhagic stroke.  Her neural networks were now disassociating after all those years of working together until finally, her breathing stopped.  She had passed.  Something about getting an announcement like this out of nowhere.  I feel a little shaky tonight.  Heart a little exposed and raw.  I struggle with the logistics of it all.  Life is messy.  Sometimes I wish we could just enter and exit all at the same time.  Wouldn't that be lovely?  I think in my mind, Lord, if you could just take this small seed and make it grow.  Make me shake with assurity and not doubt.

I think of my Grandma's husband, Clarence, who passed on about 10 or so years ago.  My Grandma missed him so.   And I do too.  25 years ago Grandpa took me into the water and gave me the first of many ordinances I would need in this life.  Love radiated from that man.  I'm sure my grandma always felt very loved.  How happy she must be right now.  Embracing her true love.

With our faith, death not only brings sadness, but such utter sweetness of soul and peace of mind.  My dad told me a sweet moment that happened today.  He was leaning over grandma telling her his goodbyes, and in true Kenny fashion, made a joke.  "I guess I won't be calling you up to tell you the BYU game is on anymore.  But, that's okay because I think their good games are behind them now.  You were here for the good ones."  He said he didn't know, but a nurse was in the room and overheard his comment.  She came up to him a moment later and razzed him a little by telling him she was raised catholic and went to a catholic school, and "sorry, but I was rooting for Notre Dame on Saturday."  And then my dad said she stopped, held his arm, and said something to the effect of  "teasing aside, I've never felt a spirit like this in a room where someone is passing.   The spirit is strong here."  My Uncle Doug had just before given a powerful blessing and my dad said the spirit in the room was very strong and peaceful.

I know that life goes on after this mortal experience.  Youth is indeed fleeting. And yet, it does not leave us, but is passed on.  Tonight I saw my grandma's cheeks when I looked at Malia's face, in Tessa's eyelashes I saw my beautiful grandma looking at me, in Jeremiah's love of sports and physicality I saw my grandma rooting on her favorite team.  (My grandma loved sports way more than my grandpa ever did).  Yes, youth may come but once in a lifetime...but my goodness, look how it lives on.  And never ends.

On my mind, the number 8.




Dear Malia,

I can't stop thinking about your birthday coming up.  I got you your own set of scriptures for your half birthday.  You shed tears one Sunday recently when you forgot said scriptures at home.  We make attempts constantly to read them together, but with a 2-year-old brother that likes to act out characteristics of a crazy monkey any time we attempt to read, it makes it hard.  

I keep thinking, have I given you enough?  (That mom guilt is pretty grueling).

Malia, I am fa-a-a-a-a-r from perfect. (Could go on with those a's for a long time!) This gospel and the enabling power it gives is so incredibly necessary for me.  I have so much to learn.  So much humility to gain.  So far to go.  Please know that I'm on this journey with you.  I think sometimes that I see you running leaps and bounds ahead of me and I wonder how I was entrusted with this precious task to "train up a child unto the Lord..." (Proverbs 22:6). 

And then there's this world.  You see, it scares me sometimes.  So much turmoil.  So much I don't understand. (and I'm the trainer here, remember???)  Here's what I do know, though.  There have been times when I have literally been overcome with things... guilt, grief, fear (all the yucky words that are the opposite of what the Gospel encourages us to feel: hope, joy, peace).  Malia, I have taken these yucky feelings and dropped them at the Savior's feet.  I have literally found it hard to breathe through some prayers.  And you know how we end our prayers...in the name of Jesus Christ?  It's the moment that I utter those two words that I can breathe again.  It is a very real thing.  I know this.  If there's anything I know, Malia, I know this.  There are powers for good and there are powers for evil.  This power for good is in your hands.  You can take it to Heavenly Father.  My biggest fear is ever sounding trite when I'm explaining this phenomenon.

And here's what I see in you, my sweet Malia:  LOVE.  My Dad, your Grandpa Ken, is currently unemployed.  You worry for him.  You told me recently that you mention him in your prayers every night.  (That's the pure love of Christ, there's nothing in it for you. You just have a goodness in your soul that you want good for others).  You worry for your friends that aren't coming to church.  You worry when you see me taking a moment to have a cry.  Just the other night you came up behind me on my bed and wrapped your little arms around me and just held me.  You are so good, Malia. 

I hope you'll read this someday and know how much I wanted happiness and goodness for you.  Wanted you to take this year and let it be the groundwork for your life now and forever.  Thank you for leading the way for your little brother and sister.  They look up to you more than you could ever know.  And remember the power you have, Malia, remember. 

I love you,
Mom